The Triangulation Zone

Jim and Beth had been tangling for weeks. Finally, Jim asked to meet with Lars, Beth's boss. He would ask Lars to talk to Beth. By making Lars his agent, Jim was dealing with Beth indirectly. He was triangulating Beth by asking Lars to fix the problem. His approach was more direct than most — the triangulator usually complains to anyone who will listen, out of the hearing of the target.

Triangulation rarely works, and when it fails, it can fail catastrophically. Here's why.

At a conversational distance, we can maintain real contact with only one person, because our eyes, ears, and mouth all point in the same direction. And most of us can listen to only one person at a time. When three people are in conversation, one is "on hold," while the other two are in connection.

We've all experienced being on hold. As infants, we watch in befuddled left-out-ness as our parents converse. Most of us are uncomfortable on hold. We search intently for pauses where we can "break in," or we tire of waiting and just break in anyway. Or worse, we tune out. For most of us, triangulation pushes powerful buttons that were installed long ago.

When Jim triangulated Beth through Lars, he created a triad. While he and Lars were in contact, Beth was on hold. Aware of the tension between herself and Jim, Beth eventually became uncomfortable, worrying about Jim discussing anything with her boss with the door closed. Later on, when Lars spoke with Beth, Jim was on hold. In his turn, he experienced left-out-ness as Lars and Beth talked privately. All of this increased the tension. Now add the "telephone effect" — any message passed between Jim and Beth through Lars is jumbled somewhat by Lars. Lars cannot be a perfect transmitter, because he brings his own perceptions to any communication.

For most of us,
triangulation pushes
powerful buttons
that were installed
long agoMoreover, both Jim and Beth tend to slant their views most favorably toward their own positions, because their partner in conflict isn't present to refute their claims.

When someone triangulates through you, you can always decline to participate, by offering another, more constructive approach:

• Offer to arrange a joint meeting, and volunteer to mediate, if you have the needed skills.
• If you don't feel that you can mediate effectively, offer to help find a mediator.
• If action is urgently needed, and you have the skills, offer to meet with both of them right now.

Avoid listening to one side privately — it compromises your neutrality, making you less useful as a mediator.

Pondering your options, you might be tempted to let it "resolve itself." Whatever the cost of resolving the problem proactively, the price is bound to be higher if you let it fester. In the Triangulation Zone, doing nothing is the most expensive strategy.  Top    Next Issue

Are your projects always (or almost always) late and over budget? Are your project teams plagued by turnover, burnout, and high defect rates? Turn your culture around. Read 52 Tips for Leaders of Project-Oriented Organizations, filled with tips and techniques for organizational leaders. Order Now!

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Emotions at Work:

What's So Good About Being Laid Off?

Layoffs during the holiday period of November 15 through January 15 are far more common than you might think. Losing your job, or fearing that you might, is always difficult, but at this time of year it's especially helpful to keep in mind that the experience does have a bright side.

Cellf Esteem

When a cell phone goes off in a movie theater, some of us get irritated or even angry. Why has the cell phone become so prominent in public? And why do we have such strong reactions to its use?

Coping with Problems

How we cope with problems is a choice. When we choose our coping style, we help determine our ability to address the problems we face. Of eight styles we can identify, only one is universally constructive, and we rarely use it.

What We Don't Know About Each Other

We know a lot about our co-workers, but we don't know everything. And since we don't know what we don't know, we sometimes forget that we don't know it. And then the trouble begins.

One Cost of Split Assignments

Sometimes management practices have unintended consequences. To reduce costs, we keep staff ranks thin, but that leads to split assignments for those with rare skills. Here's one way split assignments can lead to higher costs.

See also Emotions at Work and Emotions at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming September 4: Beating the Layoffs: I

If you work in an organization likely to conduct layoffs soon, keep in mind that exiting voluntarily before the layoffs can carry significant advantages. Here are some that relate to self-esteem, financial anxiety, and future employment. Available here and by RSS on September 4.

And on September 11: Beating the Layoffs: II

If you work in an organization likely to conduct layoffs soon, keep in mind that exiting voluntarily can carry advantages. Here are some advantages that relate to collegial relationships, future interviews, health, and severance packages. Available here and by RSS on September 11.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenyrWpTxHuyCrjZbUpner@ChacnoFNuSyWlVzCaGfooCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info