Exhibitionism and Conversational Narcissism at Work: I

This exploration of conversational narcissism began with "Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: I," Point Lookout for October 4, 2023, with some definitions and examples. Briefly, conversational narcissism is the set of behaviors a conversation participant uses to direct the focus of a conversation from the topic at hand onto that participant or along directions favored by that participant. Conversational narcissism is a threat to organizational wellbeing because it distorts the outcomes of discussions, biasing them in ways preferred by individuals whose personal agendas might not align with organizational interests.

The methods used can be categorized as emphasizing some combination of self-importance, exploitation of others, exhibitionism, and impersonal relationships. This post begins an exploration of the narcissistic behaviors that are most closely associated with exhibitionism.

A bit of terminology

In the first The sense in which the term exhibitionism
applies to conversational narcissism
is what might be called showing
off in everyday parlancepost of this series I introduced the term abuser as a shorthand for narcissistic conversation participant, because the term narcissist won't do — not all abusers are narcissists. In general, it's the behavior that is narcissistic, not the person exhibiting the behavior (though some who exhibit the behavior are narcissists).

In these posts, I describe someone as "having the talking stick" if he or she is the person whom the conversation participants acknowledge as the current speaker. (The term speaker won't do, because someone else might be speaking too.)

And a word about the term exhibitionism. Guided by the work of Vangelisti, et al., I've collected twelve different patterns abusers use and which are associated with exhibitionism. [Vangelisti 1990] The sense in which they use the term exhibitionism is what might be called showing off in everyday parlance. Briefly, this sense of exhibitionism is the collection of behaviors that abusers employ to capture and hold the attention of anyone within sight or hearing.

Six patterns of conversational narcissism that are associated with exhibitionism

In this post I describe six patterns abusers use to capture and hold the attention of the other conversation participants. They include using exaggerated hand or body motions, using exaggerated facial expressions, speaking in a loud tone of voice, using extreme language, laughing loudly, and dressing to attract attention.

Using exaggerated hand or body motions

For clarity of communication, gestures can sometimes surpass words. But abusers seek more than clarity — they seek to be the center of attention. For that purpose, not just any gesture will serve. The gestures abusers employ must stand out. For example, if using a gavel is called for, the abuser might use it with abandon, as if to crush the sound block. Or in the timekeeper role, the abuser might not be satisfied with calling "Time," preferring instead a slicing motion across the throat. To express exasperation, the abuser might bang the table repeatedly, alternating both fists.

Using exaggerated facial expressions

As with hand or body motions, the abuser's facial expressions must also be extreme if they are to serve to focus attention on the abuser. The Jean-Luc Picard face palm is an example. An overly broad smile can be effective in small groups or in teleconferences, if it is so broad as to communicate insincerity. But in meetings of 12 or more, it can be effective only if the abuser is positioned to be easily seen by all attendees.

Speaking in a loud tone of voice

A loud tone of voice can command the attention of all in face-to-face meetings or conversations, but the tone might not be striking enough in a videoconference.

Using extreme language

Extreme language of the first kind includes superlatives and black-and-white terms. Example: "If we adopt Josh's approach, we'll be bankrupt within 30 days — if we aren't imprisoned." Extreme language of the second kind includes terms generally regarded as raunchy, obscene, or generally improper. I won't provide examples. In either case, the abuser's tactic is to attract attention by violating whatever customs there are regarding linguistic moderation.

Laughing loudly

Although the voice volume associated with laughter does vary from person to person, voice volume of laughter is unlikely to draw attention unless the laughter is fake or inappropriately violates a social norm. On the other hand, fake laughter on its own does draw attention. One possible reason for this: humans are adept at detecting fake laughter. [Kwon 2017] When we hear it, even across the room, we're drawn to it.

Dressing to attract attention

Abusers who want to attract attention can choose from three categories of distinctive dress. Two categories actually have common names: over-dressed (more formal, elaborate, unique, or costly than the occasion calls for) and underdressed (less formal, elaborate, unique, or costly). Abusers at work tend to favor over-dressing, because it's usually associated with organizational power. The third category of distinctive dress is a catchall. Local traditional costumes, provocative or revealing clothing, and excessive jewelry or accessories are examples of using dress to attract attention.

Last words

Although auditors find abusers' behavior annoying and distracting, when the abuse is associated with exhibitionism in the workplace it can be especially corrosive. Unlike abusive behavior associated with self-importance or exploitation of others, exhibitionistic behaviors tend to be more clearly distinguished from non-abusive behaviors. Moreover, in the case of dressing to distract, abusers cannot "cease and desist" unless they have changes of clothes at the ready.   First issue in this series    Next issue in this series   Top    Next Issue

Is every other day a tense, anxious, angry misery as you watch people around you, who couldn't even think their way through a game of Jacks, win at workplace politics and steal the credit and glory for just about everyone's best work including yours? Read 303 Secrets of Workplace Politics, filled with tips and techniques for succeeding in workplace politics. More info

Footnotes

Your comments are welcome

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

This article in its entirety was written by a human being. No machine intelligence was involved in any way.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Effective Meetings:

How We Avoid Making Decisions

When an important item remains on our To-Do list for a long time, it's possible that we've found ways to avoid facing it. Some of the ways we do this are so clever that we may be unaware of them. Here's a collection of techniques we use to avoid engaging difficult problems.

Have a Program, Not Just an Agenda

In the modern organization, it's common to have meetings in which some people have never met — and some never will. For these meetings, which are often telemeetings, an agenda isn't enough. You need a program.

Chronic Peer Interrupters: II

People use a variety of tactics when they're interrupted while making contributions in meetings. Some tactics work well, while others carry risks of their own. Here's Part II of a little survey of those tactics.

Stone-Throwers at Meetings: II

A stone-thrower in a meeting is someone who is determined to halt forward progress. Motives vary, from embarrassing the chair to holding the meeting hostage in exchange for advancing an agenda. What can chairs do about stone-throwers?

Self-Importance and Conversational Narcissism at Work: II

Self-importance is one of four major themes of conversational narcissism. Knowing how to recognize the patterns of conversational narcissism is a fundamental skill needed for controlling it. Here are eight examples that emphasize self-importance.

See also Effective Meetings and Effective Meetings for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Coming September 4: Beating the Layoffs: I

If you work in an organization likely to conduct layoffs soon, keep in mind that exiting voluntarily before the layoffs can carry significant advantages. Here are some that relate to self-esteem, financial anxiety, and future employment. Available here and by RSS on September 4.

And on September 11: Beating the Layoffs: II

If you work in an organization likely to conduct layoffs soon, keep in mind that exiting voluntarily can carry advantages. Here are some advantages that relate to collegial relationships, future interviews, health, and severance packages. Available here and by RSS on September 11.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenyrWpTxHuyCrjZbUpner@ChacnoFNuSyWlVzCaGfooCanyon.com or (650) 787-6475, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

• Get 2001-2 in Geese Don't Land on Twigs (PDF, )
• Get 2003-4 in Why Dogs Wag (PDF, )
• Get 2005-6 in Loopy Things We Do (PDF, )
• Get 2007-8 in Things We Believe That Maybe Aren't So True (PDF, )
• Get 2009-10 in The Questions Not Asked (PDF, )
• Get all of the first twelve years (2001-2012) in The Collected Issues of Point Lookout (PDF, )

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500-1000 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info